The "Not Good Enough" Trap!

The other day, I was watching stand-up comedian Ronny Chieng on Netflix. He made a joke about how all Chinese parents want their kids to be doctors because they can change their fate in one generation. If their kids work hard and strive at all costs, they will have a prestigious job that pays lots of money. It made me think about my brothers and me. None of us are doctors or lawyers, but does that mean we are "not good enough" or "failed in life"?

Click here to watch a short clip from the Netflix show:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O_KpLrHCAx0

As a stay-at-home mother, I sometimes go through these waves of "I'm not good enough". I started questioning why I go through the thought of not being worthy. Is it because I do not have a full-time paying job? Is my self-worth based on my lack of a job title? Will returning to work and having a job title make me feel "good enough"? Or is it because I do not have much money in my account? Will I feel like "I am good enough" if I had a million dollars?

Some of us are trapped in this loop that we are not good enough and that we will never be "good enough". We will only feel "good enough" if we have the dream career, the dream partner, the dream family, the dream body, etc. All of which are based on external validation of oneself. Seeking validation from others. Social media makes it even more accessible these days to get temporary validation from others with every "Like". We seek approval that we are doing well in life and doing the right thing or commendable thing.

After some years of realisation, I now see that I need to address my feeling of worthiness. It has to do with me not feeling worthy from the inside, therefore seeking it from the outside. I believe it began when I was young, first from my parents, mostly my mother. It started when I was in primary school. I would come home with results like 98/100, and she would say, "Why did you not get full marks? Next time, you must do better!" I felt like I needed to have good grades to win my mother's love and attention. During my time in school, whatever I did was never good enough for my mother because she would always pinpoint my faults instead of celebrating my wins.

Even last year, when I returned to Singapore to visit her, she never once said she was proud of me for being a mother. Instead, she pointed out the most obvious thing about me: my post-pregnancy weight. I came to a sad realisation that I could never win with my mother. It also made me aware that I was still seeking validation from my mother, even at my age! This made me think hard about my past validations. Either from friends, past boyfriends or colleagues. Why does it matter to me to be liked? To feel like I matter. I want to feel like I am good enough to others.

What happens if I believe, and I mean wholeheartedly believe, that wherever I am in my life, I AM WORTHY now? What if I fully embrace the fact that being a mother is a vital role in the world that not every woman gets to experience? That nothing, not even a job title or money, can make me feel worthy or "good enough" from the outside.

I am fully aware that I need to make the switch in my head that I am "good enough". This will take a lot of re-wiring of my brain to set new paths of thinking, and I am working towards that every single day through awareness and mindfulness practices.

In recent years, I found a way to quiet down the "I'm not good enough" voice in my head, and it is through meditation. I am not saying that I no longer hear the "I'm not good enough" voice in my head. As I said earlier, I still go through waves of it. The difference is that I am now aware of it and, therefore, can actively choose to engage with the voice or turn it down.

Another thing that I realize is that I need to cut down on my social media use. As much as I like social media and its sense of community spirit, one negative thing that comes out of it is that I tend to compare my life with others. Yup, that is the honest truth. I hope by reducing my social media exposure, I will also reduce my feelings of unworthiness or not being good enough.

Do you ever feel like you are "not good enough"? I would love to hear about your experiences and what you do to overcome this thought.

With love,

Marisa x

Questions? Let me know in the comment section below.